BULLETIN – Stretchy white male seeks companionship

Stretch Armstrong’s somehow managed to find a nook in pop culture’s collective memory despite the fact that most people who actually owned one probably only tugged it around (guffaw) for a few minutes before chucking it in the toy box, maybe with its arms tied together, and reaching for the Lego. But whether you consider the original constipated strongman model, or the maniacal grin of the 90s re-launch, both have an undeniable grotesqueness that resonates. Sadly the same cannot be said for his mostly forgotten canine companion, Fetch Armstrong.

The idea of a whole film based on this singular (slightly) iconic toy certainly seems to be stretching it. Think Fantastic Four (2005) but without the Human Torch, Invisible Woman, or the Thing. Or any back catalogue of stories or half-decent supporting characters (sorry Fetch). Stretch’s 90s nemesis, the inexplicably diabolical Vac-Man, is sort of like a love child of the Thing and Mr Fantastic though. If he’s included at least the tense cliff-hanger at the end of this advert may finally be resolved:

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