BULLETIN: Cameron goes potty underwater

The director of Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) has returned from spending three hours in a multi-million dollar portaloo, in what National Geographic is already calling “definitely not an expensive publicity stunt to promote the re-release of a naff 90’s disaster movie in converted, puppet-show style 3D”.

Sources close to the 83-year-old filmmaker have emphasised that his unique voyage of discovery, into territory first charted over fifty years ago, was of genuine scientific value to humanity. Flickbook can now exclusively confirm early reports that Cameron “didn’t see anything bigger than an inch long”, and was “unable to collect samples” due to breaking part of his equipment.

Appearing at the UK premiere of Titanic 3D (1997/2012), which was carefully scheduled to immediately follow his dive by sheer coincidence, Cameron dismissed robot submarine captains as “a thing of the past”.  He went on to assert that only billionaire filmmakers are properly equipped to tell people “how cold it is” at the bottom of the ocean.

They should have sent a poet.  Or at least a proper director.

ON EMERGING, Cameron TOUCHED MENS’ HANDS

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