Bradshaw Watch – ‘Dawn of the Planet of the Apes’ (2014)

For anyone unable to wade through Peter Bradshaw’s 310-word review of the new Planet of the Apes film in the Guardian, here is a rundown of his thoughts on the film – excluding bluntly stated plot details which may as well have been copy-pasted from Wikipedia:

– The film was written by Mark Bomback, Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver. In the interests of fairness Peter names the obscure trio in alphabetical order (which, coincidentally, is how they are listed on the film’s Wikipedia page)

dawn_apes_caesar

Ape

– Peter thinks the name Caesar connotes “power, nobility and vulnerability to betrayal” (the third of these might qualify as a spoiler)

– Peter has seen Disney’s animated feature The Lion King (1994)

– Peter knows Josef Stalin’s nickname

– The film’s stars include Gary Oldman, Jason Clarke and Toby Kebbell. Neither the nature, nor the quality of their performances is worthy of mention

Douglas MacArthur

General

– Peter was impressed by the CGI apes. One in particular, played by Andy Serkis, reminded him of US World War II general Douglas MacArthur (pictured)

– The film’s battle sequences struck Peter as not only “bizarre,” but also “mesmeric,” which may be compliments

– A “certain character” dies in the film, but Peter thinks they might come back in a sequel

– Peter enjoyed the film very much, as evidenced by his awarding it four stars in a national newspaper.

These last four insights all occur in the same paragraph, which may suggest that Peter’s enjoyment was the result of:

  • A. The resemblance of CGI ape to American war-hero (pictured)
  • B. Unspecified bizarreness  and/or mesmerism in battle scenes
  • C. A character dying
  • D. All of the above.

DO NOT BE FOOLED. IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO COUNTERFEIT FILM CRITICISM, CONTACT YOUR LOCAL POLICE STATION – OR LEAVE A TESTIMONIAL ON FLICKBOOK.WORDPRESS.COM

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